


Insecurities

by ALargeBear



Category: Love Live! School Idol Project
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-06
Updated: 2016-06-06
Packaged: 2018-07-12 17:42:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,194
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7115893
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ALargeBear/pseuds/ALargeBear
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hanayo has been questioning her place in Muse as well as her abilities as an idol. It's up to Honoka to help her find her confidence again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Insecurities

Hanayo laid down on her bed exhausted and depressed after today's practice. She let out a sigh as she thought back to the day's practice. She was the only member who had been struggling with the more difficult aspects of the routine, while also having trouble keeping up with the rhythm that Eli wanted them to perform at. This meant that everyone had to keep going through these parts with her until she could get them, even though the rest of the group already had the routine down.

She could feel tears come on as she thought of how she might just be holding the group back because she struggled so much with the more difficult choreography. Yet it seemed to come so easily to everyone else. This caused her to think about how each member of Muse was special and had what it takes to be an idol, something that she thought she didn't have.

She thought about her fellow first years Rin and Maki. Rin had so much energy and was able to perform and sing for hours before getting tired. She also was so cheerful and was able to make people around her happier, and that translated to her stage performances so well. Maki was beautiful with a cool attitude that could draw people in. She also composed the songs for the group, and had such a unique and powerful voice that made her stand out even among the eight others.

Her thoughts than went to the three third years Eli, Nozomi, and Nico. Eli was an incredible dancer who coached and helped each member become better. She was also very beautiful. Her long blonde hair and gorgeous frame made her incredibly popular with both men and women. Nozomi had an excellent figure and a mysterious side that made you want to find out more about her. On top of that she was like a mother to most of the girls in Muse and would be the first to help solve any problem you have. Nico new what it took to be a great idol just like Hanayo. Unlike Hanayo, Nico was able to use her naturally cute looks to make herself standout even among the other members of Muse.

Her mind than wandered to the second years Umi and Kotori. Umi was the lyricist for the group, and also one of the most level headed and mature members. She also had an incredible voice that was so clean and clear that she sounded just like a professional when compared to the others. Kotori created the amazing outfits that Muse would wear while performing. She was also very cute and always had a happy smile that was just infectious to everyone around her.

Lastly there was the person who Hanayo admired the most and that was none other than the groups leader Honoka. Honoka's dancing may not be as perfect as Eli's or as energetic as Rin's. Her voice may not be as clean as Umi's or as powerful as Maki's. Her figure may not be as nice as Nozomi's, and she may not be as cute as Kotori or Nico. But she possessed another quality and that was the ability to simply draw attention to herself despite none of her individual traits standing out. It was something that Hanayo admired about the leader, it was like Honoka was the idol that Hanayo wished she could be.

Hanayo also had been having different reactions toward Honoka than she had with any other member. When they would talk Hanayo's hands would get sweaty, her chest would tighten up, and she would just get very nervous. She just simply brushed it off as admiration for Honoka as an idol.

When Hanayo thought about each member, and then compared them to herself, she knew that she had no place among all of these bright and shinning people. She didn't have any of these standout traits and simply faded into the background. Worst of all, she might be holding them down from achieving their full potential as a group. She wondered, maybe if she just quit and became a supporter, if things would work out better for them. That maybe they could achieve more without her.

* * *

 

The next day's practice was with their mini units. Which meant Hanayo would be practicing with Kotori and Honoka.

Hanayo was struggling again and was finding it very difficult to keep up with the two second years, who both had the choreography down. This was taking a toll on her mood and she was finding herself thinking about last night and how maybe it was time for her to step down and just get out of their way. She decided that she would meet with Honoka after practice and let her know.

As practice was ending both Honoka and Kotori had noticed the depressed look on Hanayo's face. Honoka decided that she would try and talk to her and cheer her up.

“Hey Kotori-chan. You can go ahead and walk home with Umi-chan. I have someone I need to talk to.”

Kotori understood what she meant and gave Honoka a quick okay before heading off.

Honoka approached Hanayo with a bright smile to try and lift her spirits a little bit. Honoka had been noticing Hanayo had become even more reserved and quiet lately and wanted to find out why.

“Good work with practice today Hanayo-chan.”

“If you say so Honoka-chan.” Honoka was taken aback by the uncharacteristic sadness in Hanayo's voice

“Is there something wrong Hanayo-chan? I know I might not be the best person to talk to, but I will do whatever I can to help!” Honoka asked her with as much cheer as she could muster. Hoping that it would get through to Hanayo.

“Can I ask you a question Honoka-chan?” Honoka didn't answer and simply nodded her head waiting for Hanayo to continue.

“Back when Kotori-chan was going to leave, why did you want to quit?”

Honoka's smile faltered when thinking back to that sad time. She hated thinking about it and it was one of her biggest regrets, that she would even think of quitting being an idol and abandoning all she and her friends worked towards. Hanayo quickly noticed Honoka's smile drop and felt a bit guilty about bringing up something that she knew Honoka hated talking about.

“I'm sorry Honoka-chan, you don't have to answer. I know you don't like to talk about it.”

“No, I can tell you if you think it will help with whatever you are dealing with.” Honoka's than flashed a warm smile at Hanayo that caused Hanayo's heart to beat a bit faster. “I said I would help anyway I could.” Honoka took in a deep breath and started her story

“When I heard that Kotori-chan was going to leave I was devastated, I always thought the three of us me, Umi-chan, and Kotori-chan would always be together. When she told me she was leaving so soon, and that Umi-chan had known for so long, I just became really depressed. This was also not to long after I collapsed during our live and we had to pull out of the first Love Live competition so I was already sad. I thought that all of these things that were happening was my fault and I didn't do anything to stop them from happening. So I thought the best solution would be to just quit and just distance myself from the group so I didn't cause anymore trouble.”

Honoka's somber face than brightened as she prepared to continue her story.

“But you know Hanayo-chan, I really do have great friends. I had Umi-chan who tried her best to make me see how bad a decision I was making. I had Eli-chan tell me how much Muse meant to her, and Nico-chan even tried to talk some sense into me. It wasn't until I went out with some classmates one day that I finally realized that I enjoyed being a school idol, that I loved singing and dancing with my friends in Muse. So I decided that I was going to keep being a school idol with my friends. After that, Umi-chan told me to be selfish one more time, and I went and stopped Kotori-chan form leaving.”

Hanayo stayed silent. She rally didn't know what to say. She had never heard Honoka talk about her quitting. It was rare for Honoka to even mention the subject to anyone, let alone explain it like she just did.

“Why did you want to know about that Hanayo-chan?” Honoka asked. Hanayo didn't answer and simply stared down at her feet shuffling them a bit, she was obviously nervous. Honoka's eyes went wide as a sudden thought hit her.

“You weren't thinking of quitting were you Hanayo-chan?!” Honoka shouted at the first year and Hanayo didn't answer she simply kept looking at the ground.

Honoka quickly moved to Hanayo and wrapped her in a tight hug. Hanayo was surprised at first but she eventually returned the embrace, she could feel tears starting to form as Honoka's hold on her tightened.

“Don't ever think like that Hanayo-chan. Muse is the nine of us, it can't be any other way, so don't ever think of quitting. Take it from me, you will regret it.”

Hanayo couldn't hold back anymore and started to cry in Honoka's arms. Honoka simply kept whispering that everything would be okay while rubbing her back. The two stayed like that for a couple minutes before Hanayo calmed down and Honoka decided to find out the cause of her problems.

“Hanayo-chan why were you thinking about quitting?” Honoka asked a bit sheepishly not wanting to upset the girl anymore.

“I-I just don't think I have what it takes to be an idol.” Hanayo took a few short breaths to calm herself before continuing. “I'm always messing up in practice, making everyone repeat things that they already can do. Compared to everyone else I have nothing special about me I don't stand out at all. I think I'm just holding everyone back, and it would be better if I just quit so Muse can become a better idol group.”

Honoka was shocked to hear this. She knew that Hanayo didn't have as much of a presence like some of the other members, but she never knew it affected her this much. Honoka separated from their embrace and looked at Hanayo.

“You know Hanayo-chan. I'm not very smart, I can forget dance steps sometimes, and I can also forget lyrics sometimes. But I love being an idol, I love spending time with my friends, and making our fans smile.” Honoka put on her biggest smile before continuing. “You love it too don't you Hanayo-chan? That feeling of being on stage and making people happy.”

Hanayo had a small flash of determination cross her face before she answered. “I do like performing and it's fun dancing and singing with my friends, and making our fans happy.” That determination was quickly replaced by doubt. “But I keep messing up in practice and I have such a hard time learning new dance steps. I feel like I just hold everyone back.”

Honoka thought for a second before she thought of a way to, hopefully, help with Hanayo's self confidence.

“Well, how about me and you start doing extra practice after our regular practices? it would just be the two of us so you can get more confident in yourself.”

Hanayo was shocked. Was Honoka really willing to give up the already limited time they had after practice o just help her.

“Would you really do that for me Honoka-chan?”

“Of course! I said I would do whatever it takes to help didn't I. But there are two conditions.”

“I will do anything just let me know.”

Honoka face took on an uncharacteristically serious look. “You will never think of quitting again, and you won't tell anyone about what I told you about when I quit.”

“Alright if you are so confident in me, I won't think about quitting.”

“Good.” Honoka lost her seriousness and went back to her trademark smile. “We will start our extra practices tomorrow. So make sure you're ready.”

Hanayo was overjoyed and wrapped Honoka in another tight hug. “Thank you so much Honoka-chan.”

* * *

 

It was lunch break and Hanayo was eating with her fellow first years as her mind wandered to the events of the past two weeks.

Since Hanayo and Honoka had started their extra training sessions, Hanayo was starting to become more confident in her dancing. During group practice she wasn't stopping practice anymore by making large mistakes. She was able to keep up with the rest of the group throughout most of the practice. While she did sometimes make small mistakes they could be easily fixed with either Eli's help, or during the extra training with Honoka. All of this helped Hanayo shake her depression and she had Honoka to thank for that.

Hanayo had started looking forward to spending time alone with the second year during their practices. Over the two weeks Hanayo had started to realize her feelings of admiration had developed into something stronger, love. Normally something like this would have frightened Hanayo, but she actually embraced her new found love. She was happy that her first love was someone who she admired and was someone she wanted to be like. Hanayo was determined to let Honoka know how she felt. Maybe she was becoming a bit like the girl without knowing it.

Hanayo was broken out of her thoughts by Rin who was trying to get her attention.

“What is it Rin-chan?”

“Rin was just trying to say that Kayo-chin has looked super happy lately, and it makes Rin happy nya.” As Rin said this she went over to giver her childhood friend a quick hug.

“Yeah Rin's right Hanayo. Ever since you started doing those extra practices with Honoka you have seemed a lot happier and more confident.” Maki added while absentmindedly twirling a lock of hair.

Hanayo blushed a bit at the praise. “Thank you, and yeah I have been a bit happier. Honoka-chan just seems to have that affect on people she spends time with.”

Both her friends simply nodded and went back to their lunches. Hanayo thought now would be a good time to get some advice for her confession she had been thinking about.

“Can I ask you a question Maki-chan?”

“Sure, what is it Hanayo.”

“How did you confess to Rin-chan?”

Maki nearly choked on her food and was trying to fight back the blush that had started to spread across her face.

“W-w-why would you wanna know Hanayo?” Maki asked while still recovering from the sudden embarrassment.

“W-well I have someone I kinda want to confess to. So I wanted to get some ideas on how to do it.” Hanayo started to get a little nervous. Sure she was happy about her new found love, but that didn't mean she was ready to tell anyone about it.

“Fine I'll tell you. But only if you tell me the person you want to confess to.” Maki had finally calmed down. She didn't mind telling Hanayo about her confession but figured she could get some enjoyment out of it.

Hanayo thought for a minute. But knew if there was anyone she could trust it was these two. “Alright, deal.”

“Well I don't think there is really to much to say. I knew Rin would have a hard time understanding if I tried to be subtle. So one day when it was just the two of us walking home I told her that I love her and not as a friend. Honestly it's a bit of a boring story.” Maki told her story with her usual indifference before Rin jumped in.

“Wait, aren't you going to tell Kayo-chin how Rin didn't really understand when you first confessed, so you kissed Rin nya.”

“I didn't tell her because it was unnecessary!” Maki shouted and turned away attempting to hide her embarrassment from a giggling Hanayo.

“Aww, but Maki-chan. Rin thinks that's the best part nya.” Rin said as she went to wrap her tsundere girlfriend in a hug. Maki weakly attempted to push Rin away but eventually accepted the affection.

Hanayo simply laughed at her friend's antics. She always thought they were a really cute couple. The couple separated and Maki looked to Hanayo to uphold her end of the bargain.

“So time for your part of the deal Hanayo. Who are you going to confess to.”

A large blush spread across Hanayo's cheeks as she motioned her two friends to get closer so she could keep it quiet, she didn't want her other classmates to find out. Once they got closer she whispered the name.

“HONOKA/HONOKA-CHAN!” Both Maki and Rin yelled earning odd stares from other classmates.

“Shh, not so loud. I don't need everyone in the school knowing.”

“Sorry Kayo-chin. It's just kind of surprising is all.”

“Sorry Hanayo. I just didn't expect Honoka of all people. Why her anyway?”

“Well I guess my feelings just started out as admiration. She had this ability to just draw people in and to make the people around her happy. She was like the person that I always wanted to be. As we spent more time together during our practices, I realized how great of a person Honoka-chan is. I just had so much fun simply spending time with her and being around her that my feelings grew from there.”

“So when are you going to confess to her Kayo-chin nya?”

“W-well, I was actually planning on doing it after our practice today.” Hanayo stated as a small blush crept onto her face.

“So how were you planning on confessing?” Maki asked showing a little but of curiosity.

“That's actually why I asked you how you confessed to Rin-chan. I thought that her and Honoka-chan were a little similar so I thought it might help give me an idea.”

“Does that mean Kayo-chin is going to kiss Honoka-chan nya?”

Hanayo felt a little embarrassed as she imagined her and Honoka kissing, just the thought of it made her weak in the knees.

“N-No it doesn't Rin-chan!” Hanayo took a deep breath to compose herself. “It just means that I'm going to be blunt and just simply tell her how I feel.”

“Aww, that's to bad. It worked with Rin and Maki-chan though, so Rin thinks Kayo-chin should still try it nya.”

Maki leaned over and gave Rin a chop to the head. “Rin stop trying to get her to do things she doesn't want to do.” Maki than looked over at Hanayo. “Don't listen to her just do what you think feels right. And we hope everything goes well for you.”

Rin was still rubbing her head when she looked back to Hanayo. “Yeah we support you 100% Kayo-chin!”

With that the bell rang signaling the end of their lunch break and the students started preparing themselves for class.

Hanayo started to feel a little confident and excited as she impatiently waited for the school day to end.

* * *

 

“Good work today Hanayo-chan.” Honoka said as she handed Hanayo a water bottle.

Hanayo took the water bottle with a quick thanks and put it to her head, attempting to cool down.. Now was the time she was planning to confess but her confidence was wavering. So she decided abandon her direct approach and try and lead Honoka to her confession.

“Hey Honoka-chan, have you ever been in love?”

Honoka nearly spit her water out in suprise. “W-where did that come from all of a sudden?”

“Well I was talking to Rin-chan and Maki-chan at lunch and their relationship seemed nice. So I was wondering if maybe you've ever been in love with anyone?” Hanayo was attempting to hide the nerves in her voice.

“Well I'll tell you. But you have to promise to keep it a secret.” Hanayo didn't answer and simply nodded her head with an expectant look on her face.

“In middle school I kinda had a crush on Kotori-chan.”

Hanayo's eyes widened at the sudden confession. “Did you ever tell her?”

“No I kept it to myself.” Honoka let out a small chuckle. “You're actually the first person I've ever told about it.”  
  
Hanayo felt her heart flutter a bit. She got really excited that Honoka would trust her enough to tell her, and only her, a secret like this.

“Well why didn't you tell her? I bet she would've said yes.”

Honoka's face took on an uncharacteristically wistful look. “Well let's just say I knew it wouldn't have worked out. I knew she had her eyes on another close friend.” Honoka let out a laugh. “I actually think she still does.”

Hanayo was a bit surprised to see Honoka like this. It was rare to see the leader without her iconic cheer.

Honoka's face regained it's usual brightness before she continued. “But I moved on from that a long time ago and I'm happy to just be best friends.”

“So, is there anyone you love now?”

“Hmmm. Yeah there is someone I love.”

Hanayo felt her heart sink to her stomach. Tears were threatening to come out. She had felt like she had been rejected before she even got the chance to ask. But she wouldn't cry, she had to make things seem normal. She didn't want Honoka to feel bad for loving someone, even if it wasn't her.

“W-well are you going to confess to her?” Hanayo was clenching her fists together in an attempt to stifle her emotions.

“Do you think I should Hanayo-chan?”

“Y-yeah you should. Whoever it is would be lucky to have someone as great as you.”

An uncomfortable silence fell over the girls. Hanayo desperately wanted to just leave. To run home and let out all of these emotions. To just cry and hope someday this love she felt for Honoka would go away.

“W-well I..” Hanayo started but was quickly cut off by Honoka-chan.

“Hey Hanayo-chan can I tell you something?”

“S-sure you can tell me anything.” She was close to breaking and just desperately wanted to leave.

“When I asked you to do these practice sessions with me, I was kind of being selfish.”

“What do you mean?”

Honoka turned to look Hanayo in the eyes before she started.

“Well, you see. Ever since I met you I wanted to know more about you and get closer to you.” Hanayo's felt her pulse quicken and her eyes widen while Honoka continued. “When I first saw you I thought you were really adorable and cute. I was really happy when you wanted to become a school idol. Then I started to learn more about you and how kind you are and how you are always putting others happiness ahead of your own, and I really liked that about you. I started to notice that maybe my feelings for you were different from what I felt toward my other friends.”

Hanayo just stood her face a deep shade of red. This almost sounded like a confession. She wanted to say something, to tell Honoka how she felt about her, but she was so excited and nervous she couldn't trust her own voice so she let Honoka continue.

“Don't get me wrong Hanayo-chan. When I saw that you were really sad and were struggling with the more difficult dance steps, I wanted to help in anyway I could. But I also used this as an opportunity to spend more time with you, and to test my feelings for you. During our practices I was always so happy just spending time with you and having fun just being around you. That was when I realized my feelings were something much stronger than friendship.”

Hanayo was shocked she knew for sure that Honoka was confessing to her and she didn't know how to react.

“The truth is Hanayo-chan. I love you.”

Hanayo wasn't sure why she did it, but she wrapped her arms around Honoka's neck and pulled her into a kiss. Honoka's eyes widened in shock before she wrapped her arms around Hanayo's waist and pulled her in closer deepening the kiss. They stayed this way for a few minutes only breaking the for air.

Hanayo was the first to pull away blushing and looking at the ground.

“I-I'm sorry Honoka-chan. I don't know what came over me I was just so happy I did the first thing that came to mind. Oh that was probably your first kiss to. I'm so sorry.” Hanayo's rambling was silenced when Honoka put a finger to her lips

“It's okay I liked it. But I know how you can make it up to me.” Honoka said with a little smirk.

Hanayo didn't answer and looked up at Honoka only to be pulled back into another kiss. She was taken a bit off guard but relaxed into it. Honoka quickly broke away “now we're even.” That was all she was able to get out before Hanayo pulled her back in.

 


End file.
